I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
