the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
