and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize