My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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