Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize