My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
