I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
sarcasm needs its own font
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
