my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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