Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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