I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
