1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
