Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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