What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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