In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
