do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
as a side note pls kill me
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize