They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
