I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
