I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
