So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
