..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
