Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
