I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
