you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
