I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
