I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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