k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
