It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Randomize
