When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
