i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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