at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
