dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
do nipples grow back?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
