Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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