i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
COCAINE IS GR8
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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