My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
