You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize