I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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