Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
