two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
