Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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