i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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