WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
