i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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