there's paper in my vomit.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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