life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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