Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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