I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
50% drunk capacity currently
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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