I heard we made out
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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