Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
