My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
