I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
