The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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