I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
