Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
