How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
