omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
