every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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