Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
