is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
