Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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