His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
