i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
