Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
