WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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